OCTOBER 31, 2014
As I sat 20, 000 ft in the air next to a morbidly obese asian gentlemen who had, in loud wheezy sleep, spilled so far over the sacred chair-arm-barricade his head was resting softly on my shoulder, I realised that once again my suffering may be vaguely entertaining for some people.
Kuala Lumpur is a beautiful city, but it’s hard to tell if you’re in a taxi because you’re too busy in the fetal position praying to whatever God you think may save you. South eastern asian traffic is chaos. Speed limit signs are a vague, mysterious object that serve no purpose other than to remind you how slow you’re definitely not going. Unlike trusty Perth and our law abiding motorists who absolutely know how to merge lanes, speeding is almost encouraged in KL as you simply get slapped with a fine that goes straight to the government. I learned this from a friendly taxi driver who I think was reading the signs as kilometres per half hour.
As a motorcycle rider who refuses to venture down his driveway without 3 layers of kevlar and suit of chain mail, Malaysian bikers scare the shit out of me. PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT. A BUTTON DOWN SHIRT DOES NOT CONSTITUTE PROTECTIVE CLOTHING. NOT EVEN IF YOU WEAR IT BACKWARDS FOR “WIND RESISTANCE”. Jesus. Also, little fishing bucket hats will do approximately nothing to protect face from road. And it’s not like they’re safety conscious riders who give you a wide berth, those fuckers will fit through a gap the size of a fried noodle faster than you can say “skin graft.” I swear to God, we saw a guy riding a moped one armed because his other arm was BUSY HOLDING CRUTCHES. I once rolled my ankle and spent a week off work on the couch eating doritos. Different worlds, man.
Now shopping in KL is pretty fantastic and I’m willing to concede almost as good as Morley Galleria. They had a massive complex near out hotel called Pavillion which is divided into levels depending on how cheap you are. The Armani floor called my bluff straight away so I resigned myself to H&M and Wendy’s. (Wendy’s everywhere else in the world is not ice cream. It’s more like a shitty KFC. The more you know.)((KFC in Malaysia rarely offer fries. Instead their side is just more fried chicken, which is decidedly not such a bad thing)).
The big shopping centres of Malaysia are similar to the ones in Perth kinda the same way that Batman Forever is similar to Batman Begins. Speaking of Bats, Pavillion has a superhero store which has scale replicas of the Batmobile and various Batman suits. I can honestly say I have never seen so many god damn Bat symbols in all my days. I briefly contemplated trying to get a 1/4 scale size Battank through customs (1/4 size is still huge.)
Sunway shopping centre has a fucking ice rink inside of it. You can watch people skate from like 5 floors up. The whole shop is also adjacent to Sunway Lagoon, a giant water park, so you can stare creepily at people in bikinis from above while you eat. Also there is a roller coaster on the top floor because why not.
Yeah, I don’t understand it either. I was excited when Carousel got a Grill’d.