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JULY 12, 2018

Seated at the angle of least possible comfort and staring into the bright white light, the dentist stopped foraging inside my mouth with his tiny medieval weapons and pulled down his mask.

“You know what I’m going to tell you, right?”

“Yes, and I most definitely floss every single day.”

He started. “No, no. It’s your wisdoms. They gotta go.” He showed me a series of convincing X-rays.

“I’m too old for this nonsense”, I complained. “Why is my dumbass skeleton growing extra teeth? It’s 2018 and we have NutriBullets.”

Taking off my neat speed dealer dental sunnies, my eyes searched his for sympathy. 

“Also, I’m broke.”

He winked at me reassuringly. “You’re a big boy-”

“Thanks.”

“-you’ll be alright with local in the chair. Give me 20 minutes, I’ll have ‘em out. Now if you don’t mind, I actually have other patients. With money.”

So home I went, a fistful of dental brochures and an apparently reasonable yet still jarring printed quote for wisdom teeth removal. Piece of cake, he had assured me. No worries.

Now, I’ll be straight with you.  I’ve never been a fan of people putting things inside of my mouth and dental work is no exception. Maybe it’s the shrill grinding of the drill, or the bitter taste of ground up tooth flakes, or the audacity of the dental nurse asking about your weekend plans when she knows damn well you can’t respond. What kind of sick power play is that? Because of my friendly and cheerful disposition, I always try to reply anyway, producing a despondent gnnnnnnnnnng noise and some spittle.

rude

rude

Anywho, I decided the best course of action was definitely to research the procedure online. To get a feel for it, you know, so I knew what to expect.

This was a fatal error. Do not do this. Listen to me. It’s a bad idea. In future, I am going in cold, no expectations, hit me with that knife doc cause I’m ready. Jesus tapdancing Christ, do not search for testimonials. Dr Google is not a real doctor, and everybody online is lying, no exceptions. Did you know there’s a whole movement of people out there who think wisdom teeth are completely harmless, and removing them is actually part of a huge conspiracy so dentists can steal your money? Yeah.

Do not ask your mates. One of my friends told me it was the worst experience of his life, and the pain was so bad he couldn’t stand for days. Another told me his had rotted to the point of disintegration, and he was pulling tooth shards out of his jaw for weeks. That’s like a fucking Marvel villain origin story.

ESPECIALLY do not look up procedural videos. There is SO MUCH BLOOD oh my god it’s like a B-grade slasher film. I probably watched like 15 in depth surgical videos and it’s horrifying especially when they pull that little sucker out oh boy. It’s like your gums are giving birth.

Brrrggrgrlrllllllll

Brrrggrgrlrllllllll

Anywho, the day came, and I’ve signed my will and made peace with my demons and all that. My dentist friend appeared again, asking how I was doing.

“I’m fine. Hey, did you know that there’s a 0.0000025% chance of me dying on your chair?”

He scratched his head. “Mm. I’m telling, you, this is an easy removal. How much anaesthesia do you want?”

“Enough to kill a small child.” I said seriously.

Misreading my tone, he chuckled and poured a miniscule amount of colourless liquid into a small vial.

“This is a …healthy dose. See you in 30 minutes.”

I slammed the shot back, which tasted distinctly like hand sanitiser, and waited. And waited. After about 20 minutes my vision started to lag. Everything started to transition to a whimsical, dreamlike state, and my eyes went full chameleon.

Man Peers Into The Abyss (2018 Colourised)

Man Peers Into The Abyss (2018 Colourised)

“This is fucking fantastic.” I said to the window.

I bounced into the theatre, flashed a thumbs up, and put in some earbuds, drowning out the dental tools with some loud and shouty hardcore. I remember feeling everything, but miles away (ha ha music joke), and underwater. My memory becomes spotty at this point. Only once do I recall a brief flash of white pain, I think as my tooth stubbornly clung to my gums for dear life, but that’s it. Most of my focus was on trying not to sing along to my tunes. I’m pretty sure I told the dental nurse she was a magical water sprite. I’m definitely sure I hugged my dentist once he was done.

In any case, it was over in about a quarter of an hour. I triumphantly paraded out of the surgery with a mouthful of gauze, blood, and confidence, trying unsuccessfully to convince my girlfriend I could drive us home.

The morale of the story is if you guys can get your hands of any of that good shit my dentist keeps in the cabinet, hit me up on Wickr. Also, don’t psych yourself out on the small stuff.

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